While applying to grad school, I felt incredibly insecure. The mixing pot of applying to a “ prestigious” school, also deciding to uphold the promise I made myself of getting all of my graduate level degrees from HBCU’s, the thought of entering into a new environment, the public speaking that will have to be done in grad school, and me being unfocused throughout the entire process; all contributed to the perfect concoction of insecurity.
It is funny how things happen in such an orchestrated way that proves that it is indeed God. At the time, it seemed like that could have been the worst time to apply to Graduate school. We are in the middle of a pandemic, I was physically and spiritually in an uncomfortable place, and I was embarking on a new journey in life. It sounds like the perfect recipe for God to come in and “God.” I said all of that to say, my mother said something profound to me throughout the process of me applying, that I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking through her. She said that “No one can change or validate the call on my life or what God has said to me. That this process of applying to grad school is not to accept or reject me, but it is simply to reflect if I am the right person for the program.”
Since it’s just us, I have an insecurity with rejection. Slap on the requirement of speaking about the calling on my life, and we have a recipe of the “Summer insecurity.” For context, I am applying to a Master of Divinity program, and the personal statement requires applicants to explain their calling. Doing something like an application process where you can either be accepted or denied and having to write a “statement of purpose” about your purpose is meshing the two most vulnerable things to me. Showing them a part of me that I haven’t yet developed my strong legs, insert clip of Bambi, learning to walk for the first time, and possibly being rejected, and ultimately being rejected or denied.
The conundrum of it was I was looking through the lens of: “I hope this school doesn’t reject my purpose.” Or what if they don’t understand my writing style, etc., etc. I don’t know. I’m still in the process of ironing it out, but the uncomfortableness of this situation has taught me that this is God. Going beyond the idea of no one being able to validate or accept, reject me is that this is God’s calling, God’s doing, and God is the one leading and orchestrating this thing. I like to think of it like this, God being the head of our lives is not only to give God the glory, but he also protects us in the process. Yes, if it were me who decided to apply, write the paper, choose the words, etc., maybe I would feel rejected or accepted. But it is God who is spearheading the entire thing. Therefore, if this door closes, I know it just wasn’t what God has for me.
In laymen terms it’s not about me. God is going to use the least of me to do the most in me. That situations in life, that we often see as scary, or vulnerable, only seems that way because we are looking at it through the eyes of ourselves and not through the eyes of the Holy Spirit. Rejection is simply in the eye of the beholder. Look at it through the eyes of the spirit.
A Journey to Summer 